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How To Spot A Sandton Housewife in the Wild

This article will help you spot a Sandton Housewife in the streets of Johannesburg so that you can stay clear of these creatures for your own safety. Here are 9 key things that will help you identify these women when you are in public:

  1. The Sandton Housewife Accent

The unique accent of the Sandton Stay at home mother is a strange one to explain. This nasal accent is associated to these materialistic, trying to be sexy, Jewish kugels. Now remember these Women are not always Jewish but fall in the subculture of style, wealth and money in the greater Sandton area.  The best way for you to understand what exactly to listen out for is by watching one of these Sandton Survival Guide Episodes:

  1. Saying Babe and Doll

A popular example of these organisms is Tali Babes, a famous online ‘personality’ and star of Showmax original Tali’s Wedding. Tali is a typical example of how these women say ‘Babes’ and / or ‘Doll’ before and after every conversation without fail. Watch out for these two words if they come out in conversation as they will be red flags to help you identify the Sandton Housewife.

  1. Hair and Make-up

Without fail, these pack of lionesses have bigger manes than lions. Important note: Not all Sandton Housewives are white but most of them are blonde, regardless of their race. Usually slightly messy hair and rushed make-up is the style guide for this group. Imagine if you were drunk on wine and your husband asked you to get ready for a dinner party and you only had 15 minutes, that’s the type of result these women try to achieve and do so without fail.

  1. Bulky Bling Bling

If their accessories are not Blingy or Bulky do they even live in Sandton? If you find yourself in Sandton, make sure to wear sunglasses as you don’t want to be blinded by all the Bling on these ladies’ bodies. The bigger the better is their life motto!

  1. Tashas

Tashas is their watering whole. Sunday’s is their weekly congregation so watch out, smoothies will be everywhere.

  1. Racist but will never realise it

These ladies are highly prejudice but will never admit it or realise it. They will defend themselves by reminding you of all the charity they do and how well they treat their domestic workers and staff, as if they are ‘family’.

  1. Botox

Plastic surgery is their true best friend, keeping them younger and giving everyone else inspiration for next year’s Halloween costumes. Botox is their one true religion.

  1. Pouting / Resting Duck Face

If their Botox doesn’t give them that forced permanent pout, best believe they will be pressing their lips outwards in every photo. It is rear to find a Sandton Housewife without a pout, if you are lucky to see one without this expression, please take a photo and submit it to National Geographics. Your service to humanity for documenting this uncommon occasion will be greatly appreciated.

  1. Active Wear

Oh, you may see her in Active Wear, but does that mean she actually went to the gym? Don’t be stupid. These rich hobgoblins never excersise unless they are having an affair with their personal trainer. Active Wear is the daily uniform regardless of the time of day, the happenings of the day or if exercise was actually in their schedule. To better explain it, watch this video:

 

There you have it. Your very own help guide to spot these selfish females in the streets of Jozi. Whatever you do, do not walk up to one of these Sandton Housewives as we cannot guarantee your safety or guarantee that the interaction, with said beings, will be pleasant.

Thumbnail Design by Michael Cost.

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