We’ve all been there before. One too many drinks, a rather dissatisfying night on the jol and suddenly that 3am text from Brad, or Chad or whatever other name applies to Devil Dick number 341 (You know who you are. Call me?). Except it’s 2020 now. It’s not even April yet and we’ve already survived war, multiple fires, locusts are plaguing East Africa, the Vatican’s has cancelled Jesus’s birthday, Donald Trump is STILL fucking president and now… NOW we have Corona. For the first time in memorable history, your googleable symptoms probably won’t come up as cancer on WebMD, so what’s a young Heaux to do now in the times of love, sex and Corona?
Is it really time to start considering that maybe the first communicable disease you need to warn people you might have isn’t the herpes you always dreamt it would be? Is this really the way you gone down In Heauxstory?! Simply put: No. Don’t be fucking daft and Don’t panic! You’ve survived countless nights of many different partners and more nights of disappointing sex than you’d like to admit. You’re not just some basic Hoe HUNTY, you’re a motherfucking HEAUX, and If you can survive the shame of having sat through Brad regaling you with stories of his white GTI just for a night of less than satisfying sex, then you can survive this too. Just follow this easy Guide.
Love, Sex and Corona!
1.) Wash Yo Damn Hands
Somewhere between puberty and 2020 everyone seems to have somehow forgotten to wash their hands. It seems like most men definitely did. Do you actually WANT to be like most men (#trash)? No, obviously. Don’t be a Detty Pig. 20 seconds, soap and water, It won’t kill you. Carry some hand sanitiser with you, if the whites didn’t buy them all at your local store.
2.) Keep your space clean
Remember that time you clearly weren’t yourself and were really just going through the most? That time BRAD left your essays on read so you didn’t come out of your room for like 3 days after TLC contacted you asking you if you’d be keen to cameo on an episode of Hoarders? Yeah, well me neither. But keep the surfaces you’re regularly in contact with clean.
The Coronavirus causing COVID-19 is many things, but it’s really not all that hardy. Most disinfectants will get rid of it faster than telling a boy you’ve got feelings for him. Soap, alcohol based sanitizers (at least 60% alcohol so no Vodka), bleach and hydrogen peroxide will all do the trick. As long as you use enough elbow grease to really scrub the surface down and break down the protein covering that protects the nasty bits of the virus itself you should be fine. (and yes Sniffany, I see you. This does mean your phone too.)
3.) Practice Social Distancing
This one’s a tough one. It’s time to admit that maybe Dua Lipa was actually right. I’m not talking about her new ‘get physcial’ song, I’m talking about her golden rules song: Don’t pick up the phone. I mean firstly it’s probably Brad again, and secondly he IS probably drunk and alone at home. Just like almost everyone else in the country. Fomo sucks, but we’re in a national lockdown, everything’s basically closed anyways and practicing a little bit of social distancing really is just the right thing to do. So avoid going out unless you ABSOLUTELY have to, and just be courteous. Cover your mouth and nose if you cough/sneeze, avoid touching your eyes/face/mouth if you can and at least TRY respecting people’s personal space. BRAD, I said I wasn’t in the fucking mood ok! It’s really not that hard.
4.) Practice Self Love
Block his number and chill sis. He’s probably with his other hoes anyways, and do you really want to go down in Heauxstory as the bitch that spread Corona? Good. Now that you’ve got some free time, and lezbehonest, that’s all we have now, find yourself a hobby. Go for a walk around the parameters of your room, take up painting again, start that blog post you’ve been meaning to do for years now. Take the time to find out what a fierce bitch you really are. You really don’t need no man. Or maybe you do. As long as it’s not fucking Brad. If Corona hasn’t killed him, he’s dead to you now along with all your Exes.
5.) Bitch, don’t panic
Lastly, and most important of all remember what I said in the beginning of this article? Don’t. Fucking. Panic. Yes this is a worldwide pandemic and it’s totally ok to have days when you’re wondering what the going on, but just breathe. Susan in accounts thinks vaccines cause autism, do you REALLY think that thing she heard from a friend of a friend who got a WhatsApp claiming George Soros engineered the Coronavirus to kill the avocado industry is true? The illumi-naughty would never do us like that sis, plus Susan thinks it’s totally fine to stink up the whole office at lunch time with her fucking salmon lunches. She’s wrong on EVERY level and I hate her.
If you’re really worried though, just make sure you get your information from reputable sources and NOT TWITTER. The department of health has a handy little resource site with all the information you need regarding COVID-19 in SA you could ever need, and World Health Organisation is a great source too.
Remember, 82% of confirmed Covid-19 cases are mild with most people recovering without needing to be hospitalized. You survived all your Exes, you’ll survive this too. Hoe is life but you don’t want to loose your life during State of Emergency because you will never be able to hoe again!